i can't believe how...unimportant food is to non-disordered people. i eat less than a toddler yet it's the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up in the morning and the last thing i think about before i go to bed. planning hypothetical meals, panicking over the possibility that i might have consumed more calories than i initially thought i did, waiting to eat, the inevitable guilt when you actually do. it's all so incredibly draining. it really does turn you into a hollow shell of a human being. i'm not some delicate ana princess. i'm not cassie fucking ainsworth. my life is less "i didn't eat for three days so i could be lovely" and more "i restricted for a week, decided to stuff my face and gained back all the weight i lost, didn't eat for one day because i don't have the self-control to fast for longer than 24 hours."

so i just discovered rebecca's edtwt account and surprise surprise, she's been lying through her teeth to me for like 6 fucking months about her eating habits. i don't know what i expected from a diagnosed sociopath with ASPD. i was always dubious of her claims to eat 4,000 calories a day (yet never seeming to gain an ounce), especially when we went to starbucks a few weeks ago and she ordered a plain black coffee despite claiming she's dirty bulking. i knew she wasn't a gymbro, but i didn't expect full-blown 600-calories-a-day ortho/anorexic. she lied about the most oddly specific shit too. for example, she told me that she hates halo top but on twitter she said she ate an entire pint of it.

it's my dad's birthday and i'm liquid fasting. i don't feel "pure" or "dainty" or "clean" or any of the adjectives that kpop-obsessed tweens on tik tok use to describe themselves. i'm still the same fat fuck that i was 24 hours ago. the binge urges are coming back in full force. i wish i could look at the cake my mom baked and see delicious chocolatey goodness instead of regret. that picture of the girl who died leaning over a toilet bowl is the only thing stopping me from eating that entire thing and then proceeding to puke my guts out. well, that and the fact that my teeth look like corn kernels no matter how much i brush them.

in PE class some random guy walked up to me and said "damn, you look hot today." i wasn't doing this shit today so i just said "look, i know that this is some sort of joke, but it's not funny. there's no punchline." in middle school normies would try to prank me by telling me that so-and-so had a crush on me because they wanted to see me try to ask someone out and fail miserably. even back then, i wasn't dumb enough to fall for that. i knew that i was a joke, so the idea of someone being attracted to me was a joke too.

i only managed to complete 12 laps during the pacer test, the worst score in my class. i don't know how this happened. i ate a relatively normal breakfast (pomegranate seeds and a monster), i go running nearly every night, and i'm in much better shape than i used to be. just a few months ago, i couldn't do a single push-up. now i can do fifteen in a row. yet, i still failed. at this point the only talent i have is losing weight.

8:00 my father made pizza for dinner. i reached over to pick a slice and he laughed and said "i knew you would choose the biggest one." needless to say, i immediately put it back and went for a jog. thanks to my mom and dad for being the best pro ana coaches i could ever ask for. the audacity of obese parents is truly unmatched.

one of my moots on edtwt posted a suicide note. i just can't believe they're gone. i refuse to. they literally bought me a present off of my amazon wishlist the other day. i knew this was going to happen someday, but i didn't expect it to happen now. i guess i wasn't as mentally prepared as i thought i was. at the end of the day, it's their decision, but i'm just feel like i'm being consumed by emptiness. there is a v-shaped hole inside my heart that can never be filled again.

"see you space cowboy..."

i'm losing everything in my life except for weight

this shit isn't fun anymore. i'm starting to experience orthostatic hypotension, i see black for a few seconds when i stand up. i have zero energy whatsoever.

7:00 thinking about how my obese friend skipped lunch ONCE and my other friends literally forced him to eat yet i haven't eaten lunch in months and NO ONE has commented on it 🤩 i love my friends!!! seriously how fucking long has it been since you guys actually invited me to do anything or even sat next me to at lunchtime

8:00 i keep running into this kid from my old school when i go for my nightly walks. also why do random adult men feel the need to say "hey" to me when i'm walking at night as if they know me. this never happened to me until i lost weight. this shit makes me want to recover. i hate men and i detest male attention. i still remember when i got doxxed and a bunch of 4chinz scrotes said that they would fuck me. i've never felt more disgusted in my life.

i guess i had this delusion that once i lost weight i would suddenly become this beloved popular social butterfly but i'm still the friendless freak that i always have been. whenever i enter a room the crowd parts like i'm moses parting the red sea. i can literally overhear the girls at the table next to me making fun of me right now.

my mother just shamed me for eating. she saw me open a can of tuna and she glared at me and said "i thought you were going to take a shower." thanks for the free meanspo, mom. i should've known that telling them about my little "diet" last night was a grave mistake. they were so proud of me. now i can't eat. they'll never take me to my favorite restaurants ever again. i'm the skinny one in a big fat family, i have to set an example. i'm a shining star in a sea of darkness.

i miss hot chocolate on a cold day. i miss the smell of my dad's freshly baked cookies wafting through the halls. i miss buttered, flaky croissants. i miss biscuits. i miss bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches. i miss greasy fried chicken. i miss sodium-loaded microwavable noodles from 7/11. i miss ice cream sundaes. i miss grilled cheese. i miss bagels. i miss cheesy deep-dish pizza. i miss burgers with cheddar and mayo and ketchup and onions. i miss milkshakes. i miss french fries. i miss hot dogs. i miss spaghetti and meatballs. i miss mac n' cheese. i miss it all so much. maybe i can have it again, someday. but right now, i don't deserve to eat.

went to the mall today. there is nothing more triggering than looking at normal teenagers my age and realizing that i have the body of a menopausal wine mom. size zero ghosts staring daggers at me as they embark on a quest to the nearest brandy melville. if you are "naturally thin", i hate you. i get so fucking angry when i see skinny people eating. you’re telling me that people can eat quadruple 10,000 calories a day and never gain weight when I’m over here being fucking fat while living off of energy drinks and pickles?

woke up at my first goal weight today. lower, actually. i was 149 pounds on august 31st, now i'm 138.4 pounds. i was initially aiming for 139. thank god i'm finally out of the 140s, that was hell. still have a looong way to go, but hey, baby steps right?

i find it funny that some people actually reward themselves with food for reaching a goal weight. doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? i find that the more weight i lose, the more scared of food i become.

i completed my very first liquid fast today (well, unless you count 5 calories worth of sugar-free jello as a meal). feeling very jennifer's body. i am a god. i used to think that i had control over food. now i realize that food controlled me. not anymore. i am beyond earthly pleasures. wwmfd: what would megan fox do?

i couldn't believe how easy it was. if you ignore the hunger, it just disappears into thin air (no pun intended). in fact, all of the food at the restaurant that i would have once pigged out on without a second thought looked genuinely revolting to me. neon yellow globs of mac n' toxic waste, lumps of nutrition-devoid mashed potatoes suffocating in brown goo like some sort of ungodly sundae, barbie doll pink carcasses drowning in their own juices. how did i ever eat that stuff? to all the so-called body positive influencers out there who preach self-love: if you really loved yourself, would you really devour that garbage? self-love is not treating your body like a trash can. self-love is not pretending you don't look like the michelin man and poorly attempting to "yaaas queen" your way into happiness. self-love is not dying of a heart attack by the age of 30. body positivity was initially intended for disabled people that couldn't change the way they looked even if they tried, not lazy landwhales. but they appropriated it, consumed it as if they were real life blob monsters straight out of a low-budget 1950s sci-fi movie. so while everybody else deludes themselves into thinking that "thicc" bodies are attractive and find new excuses to eat themselves into an early grave, i'm quite content with my glass of diet coke. here i remain, empty and pure.

p.s. my new clothes came in the mail today and they fit perfectly. the universe keeps coming up with ways to reward me for my hard work.

my phone broke due to my dad's negligence. yesterday i asked my dad to fill up my thermos with water for me because i was already late for school and i didn't have time. he didn't screw the lid on tight enough, and it spilled all over my bag. my phone was soaked. at first i thought my phone was fine because it was still working, but it died today. my bodychecks, my favorite thinspo, my september calorie tracker, gone. i'll never be able to look back at pictures of myself from my highest weight and marvel at how far i've come. all that progress, lost. well, at least i have edtwt.

i saw this post on an ed-related subreddit about how this chick "spent so much time with a person that makes me happy that i forgot i'm supposed to be restricting" and it pissed me off so much. big "when you eat a chocolate bar but then you remember you were supposed to be starving yourself 🤪" tik tok wannarexic vibes. there is not a single person on this entire planet that could provide me with sort of satisfaction that stepping on the scale to find that i've lost a pound does. disordered thinking is not a switch in your brain that you can simply turn on and off. it's not a quirky personality trait or a diet or a goal. there's a calculator in my head that never stops.

i broke my plateau after 4 days. fucking FINALLY. i needed some motivation. i lost 1.2 pounds since the last time i weighed myself.

i picked up a copy of wintergirls at the school library and a single page was folded. one of us, one of us...

someone told me that i look like an irl tim burton character. i'm taking that as a compliment.

i cannot lose weight for the life of me. i might as well star cramming my face with junk food again. from the looks of it, my parents are already trying to sabotage my mission. i'll always be an fat pig. why even try? i'm terrified that i'm only losing water weight and not actual fat.

looking back on my old journals, it feels like i've been writing the same entry for 3 years. it's crazy how my life effectively hasn't changed since the 6th grade. "waaah, all of my friends secretly hate me. waaah, i want to kill myself but mommy would be sad. waaah, i'm a fat slob but i can't be bothered to do something about it." at least this time i actually have the motivation to lose weight. after all, is there anything sadder than fantasizing about your dream body for your whole life, knowing that will never be you?

today rebecca told me that i struck her as "more of a binging and purging type" who doesn't have the self-control to be anorexic. that's unironically the best meanspo i have ever received and someone said it to my face. i am determined to prove her wrong.