a few of my favorite songs

someday i'll take you to disneyland
we'll go on mr. toad's wild ride, and follow him straight to hell
but that's not necessary just now
for now hell's all around us
no rubber devils, no smell of sulfur
but hell nonetheless
hell more grotesque than any medieval woodcut
instead of dramatic demons: a lifeless shuffling horde
without souls, without imagination, without worth
and beyond redemption
someday i'll take you to disneyland
i'll buy you a pair of mouse-ears
tons of cotton candy
and a big helium balloon with mickey inside
but all that can wait
today i'll buy you a 357. magnum, with lots and lots of bullets
i'll buy you a stack of ak-47's, and a warehouse filled with banana clips
all loaded, and ready to go
i'll buy you a b52 loaded with neutron bombs
and lots of soldiers, to do whatever is necessary
disneyland can wait
we have time
someday there'll be more of us
maybe then the world can be disneyland
and visiting hell will be novel again

we can't deny
there's spirits in this house
you shut the door, the wind closes two more
i laugh a dark laugh, you smile and think about it
you'll come again i'm sure you can't refuse
your spirit's here laying on a white table
i can see it gleam, it is sparkling in the sun
i wish i could leave this room and lock the key
someday i would take hold your hand and let it be
in the skyway a shining path for you and me
come back oh please come back
i don't know what to do
come back oh please come back
come back oh please come back
come back please come back

i don't want to live like this anymore
i don't want to live at all
i don't want to make this face anymore
but if i don't, that's all
i don't love
i don't feel anything
i don't feel anything where this love should be
i don't want to feel this anymore
but if i don't, that's fake
i don't want to do this anymore
but there's nothing else to take

everyday they're getting older, more worried about looking younger
it's a patternized cycle, show your face with every slumber
it’s equivalent to being full and longing for the hunger
guess it only takes 9 months to build a life of suffering.
money's not enough for them, just waking up's enough for me
told 'em how i felt and then we sat uncomfortably
it's up to me, one of them said
if you think you can't, well, it's all in your head
as i shut the front door behind me
for the first time, i've come out of hiding
and the light's so bright
for a second i'm blind
i can't see the city, i can't see the cars
for a second i'm fine

winter is here. cold feet, warm socks, and stretched sweaters. i’m waiting for “where are you, my dear?”. remember last year? we inhaled the same air but you were happy and i wasn’t all there. i don’t know what love is, i swear. but my broken eyes and charred heart won’t forget you, i swear

i inhale the same crisp air but you’re not here but it’s still here to share. i guess i’ve been chasing shadows but i’ve forgotten how to run. i guess i haven’t been chasing, just laying and waiting and dreading the sun. dreading the dryness that chaps my lips, makes my eyes hurt, tells myself to get a grip

i hate the room that i stay in all day. but i don’t go outside because i’m too afraid. the silence is why i can’t breathe. the silence is why i’m scared of me

am i drowning in the caspian sea? how about some fucking subtlety? i’d rather cut my neck than taste the acid from my stomach. i’d rather die than see you sitting across from me, thoughts wandering in happiness when mine aren’t. well, i guess i should be dead already but i’ve been learning how to cope. i’ve been learning to think rather than hope

moving on, clocks quickly tick. everything is fucked, that’s what’s tragic. friendships crumble because we’re toxic

love is not the origin of my depression
gender dysphoria is not the origin of my depression
poverty is not the origin of my depression
i try to grasp it
and every answer fails

i've dreamed so many fruitless dreams
for love is never what it seems
it brings only sorrow with its many stings
i can only wait for death my summons to bring
within my heart no more love can abide
for there is no one to keep near my side
i bleed from every pore from the despair that i feel
but i know of no pain that death will not heal
truth bursts forth with radiant light
showing me the path of right
for now the day has past and gone
and only night is coming on
no more the sun with golden beam
the earth is ruled by the moon with softer gleam
a million stars fill up the sky
all the earth is a cool dark place to die

you are sick and i hate you and love you for it
you’re a wreck but i’m always going to want you
i don’t want to know what you’ve done
or what you think about doing
i don’t want to know so don’t tell me

i'm thinking about leaving and how i should say goodbye. with a handshake, or an embrace, or a kiss on the cheek, or possibly all three. well maybe i've been wrong. maybe my intentions are irrelevant. but honestly, it's not just for me. we've both been so unhappy so let's just see what happens when the summer ends.

before it actually happens, allow me to apologize for the mistake.

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